Clever database, but can it run Doom?

"Can it run Doom?" now applies to databases, as the author of DOOMQL has released a far more visually accurate port. There's a saying: "Be careful what you wish for." In 2025, we wrote a piece about a database boffin coming up with a version of Doom that was written in SQL. It was neat, but the visuals were nearer to 3D Monster Maze than to the 90s pixel blaster. We commented, "If persuading SQL to do the entire rendering pipeline is a 'bad idea,' we cannot wait for a terrible one." And so here